butt head selfie
american football s/t 1999
polyvinyl records
so beautiful

not being around you

is not being around my inhibitions,

is like unwinding a spring.

and waking up has taken hours,

hours spent thumbing my phone

like you do

when you’re not in the mood

to do anything, or look at me.

it’s weird to not talk

and fill that space with vignettes I’ve imagined

of a portland basement

at 5am, bottles and N64 and your friends’ band

on some record in the background

or deception pass, the fog rolling in because we got up way too early

and must get coffee

or the ghastly trees outside the che

jutting up like cigarettes, and your smoke

twirling around them too, as the next band starts

or my yard, neon in the sunshine

occupied by three jars

two guitars

and two guitarists.

not being around you

is not chasing you around your house

as if you are bun

or dressed like one,

something I know you’d never do

(but will you?)

in the hopes I can grab you

and we will cuddle.

not being around you is relinquishing anger,

as I swear at the open air on my way back up that damn hill

liberating,

terrifying,

forcibly flatlining

taking life back to fantasy actions

playing in my head 

instead of fully realized disappointment.

90sand00s:

Third Eye Blind // Losing A Whole Year

hallchristopher:

Harold’s - Freddie Gibbs & Madlib